The Demographic Bomb Is Dropped!

[In the style of DivestThis' BDS Journey comes a tale told of the not too distant future, in which the Palestinian Arabs have succeeded in attaining the "demographic bomb"]

The Time: January 18th, 2055. 

The Setting: The office of the UN Secretary General, Philip Flitterman of the European Union.

[UNSG Flitterman is sitting in his office making paper airplanes. Two men enter escorted by an aide. They are Marwan Barghouti Jr, President of the Palestinian Authority and his Vice President, Ismail Haniyeh Jr.]

Flitterman: Ah, gentlemen! Welcome back to the United Nations! What can I do for the Palestinians today? Do you need more money? A condemnation of Israel? Maybe another national holiday?

Barghouti: The time is here, Secretary! We have finally succeeded in our goal! Our long national nightmare of statelessness has finally come to an end!

Flitterman: Really?

Haniyeh: That's right! At 9 o'clock this morning a Palestinian mother in Ramallah gave birth to twins!

[pause]

Flitterman: So what?

Barghouti: So that means that there are now more Arabs between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean Sea than there are Israeli Jews!

Flitterman: I don't understand.

Haniyeh: We demand that the United Nations sanction Israel until they give us our rights! And you're going to hep us do it!

Flitterman: Well sure, I'm always in favor of helping you Palestinians attain your rights! And the United Nations has had your back in the struggle for your national rights for the past century. So what do you need? And what does this have to do with twins in Ramallah?



Barghouti: It's quite simple. We demand that Israel give all the Palestinians citizenship immediately and full rights as Israeli citizens! [He and Haniyeh look at each other and grin.]

Flitterman: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Haniyeh: We expect the sanctions should begin tomorrow...wait, what's the problem?

Flitterman: You guys just told me that we should force Israel to give you Palestinians the vote. But you Palestinians are your own nation, governed by the Palestinian Authority. You are not part of Israel. You even have your own seat in the United Nations.
 
Barghouti: [Chuckles] No, no, Mr. Secretary, you don't get it. There are now more Arabs than there are Jews.

Flitterman: And? What's the legal difference between Israel occupying ten million Arabs and twenty million Arabs? I was under the impression that the Palestinians wanted to be free of Israel, not part of it! So let's get you guys a state!

[Barghouti looks at Haniyeh.]

Barghouti: We hadn't thought of this! Conference!

[They huddle. Flitterman waits patiently.]

Haniyeh: [whispering] Marwan, this isn't working! We need to be part of the Zionist entity in order to wrest control of it through sheer numbers!

Barghouti: I know! I know! Don't worry, I have an idea...

[They turn back to Flitterman.]

Haniyeh: Mr. Secretary, as representatives of the Palestinian Authority and the Palestinian people, we have an announcement to make!

Flitterman: Yes?

Barghouti: We no longer wish to be known as Palestinians!

Flitterman: You don't?

Barghouti: That's right! We are not Palestinians any more! We shall know be known as Disenfranchised Arabs Wanting Rights Now, or DAWRN.

Haniyeh: They aren't treating us fairly! Unlike the Jews, we Israeli DAWRNs have no right to vote for representative in the Knesset or to travel freely in our country. They are keeping us caged up like animals and depriving us of our rights! And because Israel is cruelly holding us DAWRN's under occupation, we demand that the United Nations sanction Israel until they grant us our rights at members of Israeli society!

Flitterman: This is going a little bit fast for me. So you're saying you are not Palestinians any more?

Barghouti: That's right.

Flitterman: You are saying that you are simply a group of Arabs who Israel is occupying, but not treating fairly?

Haniyeh: Yes, yes! Just like the old South Africa apartheid regime! A group of white Jews are enforcing their will on a majority of Arabs who have no rights! You need to put a stop to it! Boycott, divest, sanctions! [He grins at Barghouti, who flashes the thumbs up.]

Flitterman: So you have no interest in creating a state of your own?

Barghouti: No sir, we want to be part of Israel and live in peace with the Jews! Won't you please help us make that happen?

Haniyeh: [rustles some papers] I'm thinking the sanctions can target their tomato fields first...

Flitterman: What about the "Palestinian territories?" If they are no Palestinians does that means there is no such thing as Palestinian land? The West Bank and Gaza do not belong to you, and the Jews are not stealing it?

Barghouti: [grimaces] That's...correct Mr. Secretary. Israel controls them, but won't give the Arabs who live there their rights. That's the whole problem.

Flitterman: And so when Salam Fayyad said, "East Jerusalem is a Palestinian Territory occupied since 5 June 1967," can I take it to mean that he was wrong? You don't think East Jerusalem is yours?

Haniyeh: I guess not but...

Flitterman: What about all those rockets Hamas has been firing? Are they because Israel won't annex Gaza and give the Gazans the vote?

Barghouti: Um...yes?

Flitterman: [stands up] Here is what is bothering me about your proposal, gentlemen. For the past [checks his calender] ninety years you have been telling us that the Palestinians are a people as ancient as the Jews, if not more so.

Haniyeh: Well we are!

Flitterman: You told us that the Palestinian people are distinctive from Egyptians, Syrians, Jordanians and so forth, and because you are your own people you are entitled to the right of self-determination and statehood.

Barghouti: And now we aren't. We're Israelis. And we demand our rights as Israelis. What's the issue?

Flitterman: The issue is that you have been fighting Israel for decades now in the name of national liberation! You have kept your people stateless and in refugee camps all under the assumption that they would one day return to a Palestinian state! You have killed hundreds of Israelis, as well as taken thousands of casualties yourselves, in the name of "resisting" occupation and establishing your state!

Haniyeh: I don't see your point, Mr. Secretary.

Flitterman: [sighs] My point, gentlemen, is that the United Nations have invested a lot of time, money and energy into solving the "Palestinian problem." But you have come into my office today to tell me that not only is there no Palestinian problem, there never was one! In short, you have been lying to us for the past ninety years!

Barghouti: What? No we haven't!

Flitterman: You have been telling us for decades that the Palestinian people are a nation of their own, fighting for all the rights and privileges a nation has. A lot of people have suffered in the name of that cause. But now, suddenly, you tell us you want to be part of Israel? And that suddenly the "Palestinian people" no longer exist? And you expect us just to go along with it?

Haniyeh: You have in the past!

Flitterman: That's because we thought you people were who you said you were, and had a cause that was righteous! The United Nations doesn't take too kindly to being jerked around, and neither do I. Get them out of here!

Barghouti: But we still get to keep our Day of Solidarity, right?

[They are tossed out of the office.]

Haniyeh: Geez! All those years of waiting and that's how our "demographic plan" turned out?

Barghouti: I'm just as surprised as you, Ismail! I guess we should have taken that peace deal back in the late 2000s after all. What are we going to do now?

Haniyeh: I know! We'll be getting Yasser Arafat out of cryogenic freeze in another twenty years! Let's wait and see what he has to say!

Barghouti: Oh boy! It can't come soon enough!

[They strut out together.]

FIN